>>Harp Info - [Harp Humour]

[harp humour] A harp is a nude piano. And a piano is a harp in a coffin.

[harp joke] A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half playing it out of tune.

[harp humor] A young man went out on a date with a young woman trumpet player. When he returned, his roommate asked him, "well, how was your date? Did her embouchure make her a great kisser?" "No," replied the first young man, "her lips were hard and tight, and insensitive." The following weekend he went out with a pretty tuba player. When his roommate inquired, he reported: "Yuck! Her lips were loose and slobbery, just gross!" The next weekend he went out with a beautiful harpist. "I don't think I'll be going out with her again. I guess it's just habit, but every time she puts her arms around me, she starts tickling me!"

[harp jokes] What's the range of a Welsh Triple harp? About ten yards, if you kick hard enough.

[harp humour] What's the difference between a Celtic Harp and a Concert Grand Pedal Harp? A Pedal Harp burns longer.

[harp joke] How can you tell when a harpist is playing out of tune? His/her fingers are moving.

[harp humor] What's the difference between an out-of-tune harp and a trampoline? You should take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.

[harp jokes] What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
Who cares - neither one's a harp.

[harp humour] Back in 1984, I played harp on a concert tour with Bobby Womack. Bobby's friends in high places often invited the whole band out for a night on the town. In Detroit, a friend of his by the name of Samuel Frank who owned a nightclub invited us all over after a concert. Since we had all our instruments in the tour bus, the crew brought them into the club for an impromptu jam session. Mr. Frank dismissed the DJ for the evening and we played for a club full of dancing fans. Drinks for the band were on the house and a rip-roaring good time was had by all. Exhilarated and a bit tipsy, I got back on the bus assuming the crew would take care of loading up my harp - and I guess the crew assumed I'd taken care of it. No one noticed the oversight till the next night, when it was time to go onstage at the next venue. Glancing out at the stage as the house lights went down, my heart sank as I realized what had happened. Bobby saw my dismayed face and asked, "Stephanie, what's wrong?" "Oh my gosh," I replied, "I LEFT MY HARP IN SAM FRANK'S DISCO!!"

[harp joke] A harpist and an accordion player are playing a New Years's eve gig at a local club. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I'd like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year's eve to play ?? ...
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the harpist says "Sure .. we'd love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??"

[harp humor] What's the difference between a lawn mower and a harp?
You can tune a lawn mower.

[harp jokes] What's the difference between an out-of-tune harp and an onion? Someone might cry when you cut up the onion.

[harp humour] If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune harpist, an out of tune harpist, or Santa Claus? The out of tune harpist. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.

[harp joke] How many harp players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him which is the best hand position to use.

[harp humor] What is the definition of a quarter tone? A harpist tuning unison strings on a double strung.

[harp jokes] How do you get two harpists to play in perfect unison?
Can't, they are never in tune with each other.

[harp humour] Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the out of tune harpist.

[harp joke ] How do you make a trombone sound like a harp?
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.

[harp humor] How do you improve the aerodynamics of a harpist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

[harp jokes] How long does a harp stay in tune?
About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.

[harp humour] Why are a harpist's fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same chord progression twice.

[harp joke] What's the difference between a harp and a tuna fish??
You can't tune a harp but you can always tuna fish ...

[harp humor] How do you put a twinkle in a harpist diva's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

[harp jokes] How does a harp diva change a light bulb?
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.

[harp humour] How can you tell when a harp diva is at you door?
She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

[harp joke] Did you hear about the harpist who was so bad the other harpists noticed?

[harp humor] What's the definition of an optimist?
A harpist with a tuner.

[harp jokes] What's the difference between a harp diva and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with the terrorist.

[harp humour] Harpists' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."

[harp joke] How do you know when the stage is level ?
The harpist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth ..

[harp humor] Did you hear about the harpist who was in tune ?
Neither did I

[harp jokes] How do you get a harpist off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.

[harp humour] She was late for the concert because she had to change her G string (and we didn't even know she was wearing a G string under that long black dress!).

[harp joke] Q. How long does it take to tune a harp?
                A. Nobody knows yet.

[harp humor] "Welcome to heaven; here's your harp and tuning key.
                   Welcome to hell; here's your harp."

[harp jokes] How can you tell a harp from a motorcycle? It is difficult because they both are associated with angels, and they both fit
between your legs, but you can tune a Harley.

[harp humour] What do Harleys and harps have in common? After tuning, they are out of tune again by the time they are used.

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A harp string walks into a bar with a few harp friends and orders a
beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve harp
strings here."

The harp string walks away a little upset and sits down with its
harp friends. A few minutes later the harp string goes back to the
bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated,
says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve harp strings here!"

So the harp string goes back to the table. Then the harp string gets
an idea! The harp string ties its self in a loop and messes up the
top of its hair. Then the harp string walks back up to the bar and
orders a beer.

The bartender squints, and says, "Hey, aren't you a harp string?"

And the harp string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

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TOO OLD TO GIG - You know you are too old to gig when:

• You refuse to tune your harp to match that of the orchestra you are playing with.
• Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns if you are a man and Queen Victoria if you are a woman.
• Your fans have left by 8:30 pm.
• All you want from groupies is a foot-massage and someone to help carry your harp to your van.
• Your aftershow party is at McDonald's and you are fine with that!
• You love taking the elevator not only because it transports your harp but you are able to hum along with most of the elevator tunes since they are on your gig-list.
• Instead of adding a second person to make your solo-harp ensemble into a duo you decide to hire that second person as your roadie.
• You've lost directions for the gig and can't remember what your fee was.
• You need your glasses to see where to put your tuning key.
• You no longer do cartwheels or back flips when out doing your solo-act.
• You are thrilled to have any major holiday OFF (Christmas, New Years, etc)
• You have to stop playing because your bottle of pain killers fell off your music stand, one is about to wear off, and how can you keep going?
• Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.
• You find your drink tokens from last month's pub gig still in your harp music bag with your extra harp strings.
• You no longer use a tip jar.
• You refuse to play without earplugs if in a symphony.
• You check the TV schedule before booking a gig or not.
• Your gig stool for your harp has wheels on it which lock (no carrying it anymore)
• You need a big nap the afternoon before the night time gig.
• After the third set of celtic tunes with the band you ask to leave early.
• During the breaks you go to your van to have a nap and watch your fav DVD on a portable DVD player.
• You have to have a music stand with a light and make that a 100 W bulb!

And just think all of this happening just when you are starting to get REALLY GOOD !!!!